I am here briefly in India visiting family – I am grateful to have read a book that aligned with my interest in social connectedness , values and wellness
The intent of today’s post is to share with you perspectives that you might find useful in your wellness journey.
Grateful for books 🍀
The book shares insight into principles of Adlerian psychology .
I felt compelled to share some insights into Adler’s principles for the following reasons
Human behaviour is socially embedded and has social meaning. This relates well to the evidence that the core function of our brain is relational
👨👩👧👦Social Connections 👯🍀
He emphasized the value of social relationships and in being connected to others. Working on connections that help us thrive increases the likelihood of us being emotionally healthy. What drew me to Adler’s framework was the focus on purpose and values . Working on chosen values allows for a life that is rich in purpose and meaning
👏🏽Goodwill 🍀
I enjoyed his direction of categorizing our responsibilities as tasks –
Tasks for self
Tasks for work
Tasks for family / friends
Adler suggests working through the tasks based on our set of values and goodwill – so instead of seeking recognition he says “ do what suits you best according to your skills and values “
😊For the love of friendship💚
The teaching that stuck with me best- as much as social connections are , important we have to be led by our own values rather than always meeting the expectations of others 👏🏽😊
Hope you are keeping warm and well as we plod through the winter months –in the Southern Hemisphere. For those living in the Northern Hemisphere- make sure you keep hydrated and cool.
A recent illustration inspired by E.H.Shepherd & A.A.Milne ☀️
I have just finished the book Covenant of Water by Abraham Varghese – a story about faith and resilience and delving into my next book Jay Shetty`s celebrated Think like a monk. I stumbled upon this passage on relationships and decided to make it the highlight of my blog today
Visual on the story of resilience 🍀
The intent of today`s post is to write on the topic of relationships – and the rationale for it being the core of our wellbeing has everything to do with the level of social connections that we intend to make, to have and maintain on a day to day basis.
5 Ideas from the book- Think like a monk
Research indicates that longevity is related to the healthy connections that we have within the family and outside of the family; We stay connected to people in our lives either through shared interests, shared belief systems and values that pave the way for healthy social behaviours.
🍀Care 💚
The author writes on the matrix of social connections, We form connections with [people based on traits of competence, care, character and consistency. When we look at the matrix of our individual connections we are likely to find the following:
Competence : we relate to some connections on the basis of their knowledge and expertise thy hold on their respective fields -e.g. our mentors, authority figures -within or outside of family
Care: Then comes connections based on care – those who have our wellbeing as their core interest and purpose- our parent/s and people who have us in their hearts
Character We are that much richer when we are blessed with connections who work with strong moral and ethical values – can be friends or family
Consistency : People in our lives that are reliable , present and available when we need them
Make your own family: Diversity in connections can be a blessing when friends become the family. It does not necessarily mean resentment towards family – but it a choice that you make when your value system differs or when distance plays a role – it is creating the heathy space you need to grow and thrive with connections outside of your family.
Jean Dominique Martin – “People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime”-
Some people come into our lives as a welcome change or fulfill the need for a shift in energy levels
There are those that come in to our lives for a specific reason – there is a lesson to be learnt or a mini milestone of sorts to be achieved during the time we have them in our lives and then
We have those that are with you for the span of our lifetime
It is best for human connections to be considered a network of compassion and love – a component of life’s teachings, gifts and offerings meant for our learning, growth and wisdom. It is best to understand and accept that there will be movement in the connections we make, there will be fluidity within in the roles that people play in our lives and of course the role we play in people`s lives.
🍀Connections 🍵
Reflective exercise
Check in
Make a visual landscape pf your social connections
Who are your friends – on the basis of the traits the show – for competence, care, character and consistency
Identify those that are friends for a season, a reason or for life time
Check in to see how you have been a friend for a reason, a season or a lifetime to some one else
Be gentle in realizing that this is not about the label –instead knowing the landscape of your current social life can guide and cue you in your understanding that diversity of connections / healthy social connections – lead to life`s lessons that include fun, support, friendships and love
Hope you are keeping well and warm if you live in the southern hemisphere as I do🌻😊
On a beautiful winters day , 2023…..
I love winter so this time of the year is something that I always look forward to -for those who are wary of winter , it’s best to remember the words of the Renaissance poet Shelley , “if winter’s here can spring be far behind.”
It rains often here in Auckland and it is mandatory to keep our hearts open and spirits warm.💚💙
The intention of my post today is to share a skill referred to as the REST 🌸
The kowhai ☀️
It is a strategy that incorporates mindfulness and cognitive (thinking skills ) tools to help to navigate through thoughts and memories that sometimes can be intrusive 🐒
REST is about using the following
1. Relax, 2. Evaluate ,3.Set intention 4. Take action
Relax : So when reminded of something that is disturbing or when feeling triggered learn to – Relax and stay in the moment – choose the moment to be aware of your thoughts – hold on to something or thought that is calming and just be present 🍀
Embrace more if nature , art, music and excercise
☀️Nurture 💚
Evaluate : Ask yourself , why you are feeling triggered or fearful – be compassionate towards yourself and use expansive kindness on the self ask yourself what would you like to do about it🌸use acceptance and plentiful kindness when evaluating your context 💙
💚💚💚
Set Intention : write down what you would like to achieve that is value based – around your values – for example
how would you like to progress in two years ‘ time
What values would you like to use to get to where you want to go – it might be around giving up an addiction , or might be around contributing to community or staying connected to family
please note the minute you work around values , emotions takes a step back .💚
The gift of absorption 💙
Take Action: Once you have done that work towards your intention
Begin with small steps
For example if you want to work towards connection to community through service , you begin by exploring opportunities to volunteer for an hour
If it is to address an eating problem or drinking problem you might begin by using distraction though walking , through making a routine for yourself by being with kind service minded people who would help you feel and do better , based on value of commitment and kindness ☀️🌸💕
Have a wonderful weekend and make it a priority to be extra kind and compassionate to yourselves and to your fellow citizens
I begin my work today with glimpses of the sun`s rays hitting sharply at my window pane – it feels right that I have chosen to connect with you all on the subject of happiness.
The intention here is to share the science of happiness with you all.
Happiness is a state of being when our feelings, thoughts and actions feel light and easy and are in coherence with each other.
Happiness influences the quality of our lives- It has the capability to instill in us a zest for living – paving the way for us to do better for ourselves and for those around us
Happiness is also about how well we know ourselves
How well we Understand our needs and fulfil pir aspirations
Happiness is about having your cups brimming to the full
Doing the things you love – Emanating kindness to yourselves and those around
☀️Joy of pets 💕🐶
Arthur Brooks, an eminent professor teaching Happiness in Harvard University has come out with a very clever equation to Happiness.
Enjoyment + Meaning + Satisfaction = Happiness
So, when you evaluate the level of happiness
Enjoyment – How much of enjoyment is there in the things that you do
Begin to add on things that feel like fun and bring in the smiles
💚Reasons to connect 👋🏼
Meaning or Purpose: Check in each day for the activities that serve a purpose – every little task counts
Examples
The purpose of walking is exercise
Purpose of eating out is for enjoying the flavors, connecting with loved ones
⚓️steadfastness of faith 🍀
Satisfaction is founded upon a belief system and values.
– is about feeling gratified that you have done well – we can get this when we connect with supportive family or with friends where we feel known; satisfaction can also come from the work –
When we know – our work is rewarded and that our work is helping people
I have elaborated simple facts on brain science in my previous blogs – one such fact is the brain helps us to think it helps us to move and it is connected to our head, heart and gut.
🙏Food thot gratifies 🥗
But the core function of the brain is relational. i.e.- the more we are connected to others and help others through work or play the better the happiness quotient and the quality of our lives.
Research indicates the more you engage in kindness,the more you stay connected- more you increase the levels of feel good hormones that improve health and wellbeing
Oxytocin in the name of the feel good hormones that add to our wellness quotient
When we look at some one in the eye and smile – we get a doze of oxytocin – by the way pets help with oxytocin too – of course dogs more than cats – according to the experts 😊
“The four pillars of happiness are faith, family, community and meaningful work- these are priorities that we have to keep investing in”- Arthur Brooks
On that note wishing you a light , easy and joyful Tuesday
Greetings to you all😊 Today I connect about a beautifully crafted book💙🦋🐬📚- gems of wisdom on transitions , acceptance , letting go and still feeling good 🌸
🌟Books emanate a certain sense of timelessness 😊
Bittersweet – an engaging read – the author writes on love and life within the context of uncertainty and change 🌈🌟
All of us have been through significant changes in our life & times that include beginnings , transitions , ending of friendships and or connections through mutual choice or by death🧚♀️🙏
She also writes that we go on to form new pathways and new connections that might not necessarily be better than what was lost or what was 😳
🍀a forever Moment 🌷
The author highlights that our lives will always have aspects that are fragmented and there will always be challenges 🌈
But what can transcend the challenges of uncertainty and allow for growth is finding our own peace through creativity 🦋💚
😉Any form of creativity remains a gift 🍀
She highlights that love exists in all of this – abd the more we turn to creativity that more likely we will embrace the force of love and life as bittersweet 🦋💕
🍀From a library that I visited with my adult sons 👏🏽
💚I call such reads – scaffolding the scriptures This book emanates ageless wisdom Highly highly recommend this book 🌟😊
So when things go a little different from what you have been used – consider the following
1. Accept
2. Try to let go of judgment
3. Look at it with a new pair of lens
4. See it as transition and a new beginning
5. Keep walking -choose to be constructive and creative in all that you do
6. Keep at kindness to self and others
7. Give thanks for life and living – have your smile on 😉🌸📚🌟☀️
Hope you have been extra kind to yourselves….. as I pondered about my post as to find something new to write, I struck upon a topic. I choose to write on resistance – recognizing and understanding resistance.
“Resistance will tell you anything to keep you from doing your work” – Steven Pressfield
I have also always been puzzled , intrigued that when I really want to do something – I recognize a certain sense of reluctance that gets within me . I tend to overcome this and there have been many times that I succumb to this barrier within me and therefore miss out on many a fun things that I would otherwise enjoy….
🍀Healing takes time and effort🦋☀️The story of growth and resilience 💚🍀
I therefore empathise with my fellow humans who go through this challenge on a day to day basis. The inspiration for today`s post also comes from the conversations I have had with people I work with, my friends and my family. Many of us feel resistance at different times and it sneaks from within or leaps ahead of us – it feels like a pull from behind.
Below an animated version of how resistance feels like – a block a wall or a force that sets one back
Hopefully my attempt at scaffolding this innate force within us will help you to break through your own inner barriers and move on to the next phase of your progression.
Resistance can be a barrier and a force that prevents us from doing something – that we want to do or we need to do …
It sits between apprehension and willingness – two very different dimensions
On one hand we are afraid to begin something new and on the other we are so keen to engage and take the next step
&
There is also a BUT – that creeps in….
We face resistance when we are ready to make the next stage
For example, we may want to volunteer or engage in 20 min of walking or learn a new sport – however there is a barrier that is daunting and that stops us from doing the things that draws us – i.e., from doing the things that is essential for our betterment
We also face resistance when are about to engage in a creative endeavor or when we are about to take up something new.
What is important is to recognize that resistance is a natural force that can be daunting
The way to get through this barrier is to take that first step and / or make the next move to embrace the next level of progression
“ Nothing else matters , except sitting down every day and trying” – Steven Pressfield
Recognize resistance – recognize that it is a natural force and work through it
💚Have Faith🍀
Time it –and don`t let it overwhelm you
Teach or tell yourself that resistance is also a hallmark of your progression- your readiness to grow and improve and embrace change
The longer that you allow resistance to sit – it turns into procrastination.
So, if you want to try your hand at art – just do it – get yourself a paper, a pencil and draw a figure that is your unique creation
If you wish to go for a walk, make that first move
If you wish to set a routine in place- put that on paper and
Plunge through the currents of resistance and take a
Leap towards your own progression and growth
“ Out of resistance comes strength” Nepoloean Hill
Greetings to you all … today`s note is to acknowledge the impact of cyclone Gabrielle, the loss left in its wake, the fear, the uncertainty and the collective goodness that continues to seep through all of this turmoil and that still keeps us going ….
The most important lesson a man can learn from life is not that there is pain in this world, but that it is possible for him to transmute it into joy- Rabindranath Tagore
So, the month of Feb … seemed chaotic and unsettling …. parts of the North Island felt nature`s wrath and fury … and all that we could only do was to take measures to keep safe- either on our own or within our respective family setups. We heard stories of people, livestock and homes sadly drowned or washed away- we also heard stories of miracles when lives were saved and heroism celebrated. And here are some learnings that surfaced…that you may also find useful
Build a small steady group of people who look out for you: Every single person felt just a little more vulnerable -what helped was staying connected to your immediate and extended circle of supportive friends and family. We checked in on one another at the end of the day and the start of the day-
🎼Coherence 🍀
There is strength in community:
I had an amazing encounter with a couple of strangers who stopped on their way home and to give of their time and kindness to set right a humongous branch that blocked our driveway. Uncertainty and change will always be around – but kindness , kinship and service can transform and break through barriers of all that is daunting.
🍀compassion 🦋
Choose to see that what is best in everyone: These guys offered help without being asked and that for me was a reflection of sheer goodness light and kinship that we share as humanity. I offered to pay – they spent 4 hours on this job and refused to take a dime. I refer to these two as
“ Angels in human form “
☕️Connect 🍵
Build connections ….
I sent them a thank you hamper as a small token of gratitude for their vast gesture of kindness. I also felt incredibly humbled and grateful that these two amazing humans were within my community…. set yourself with a good support system and find ways of staying connected to community through kindness , through using local services and building small connections within your own community. The lesson that I have learnt thus far is having good friends is priceless – having friends from within your immediate community also adds to the resource and wellness quotient.
In the month of Feb, I also read Michelle Obama`s amazing book The Light we carry – the beautifully crafted work was a joy to read…. affirms the ethos of kindness, community and connections that always takes us through times of uncertainty …. so grateful – my experiences in the month of Feb brought to light all of the aforesaid …
“When we learn to foster what’s unique in the people around us, we become better able to build compassionate communities and make meaningful change” – Michelle Obama
The start of the year was amazing – As March nudges on , I made a note to myself to connect, the primary rationale being to serve through my writing and artwork.
On a personal note, my year felt more amazing and my heart was just more grateful as I got to spend a lot of time spend with one of my sons. I also got visits with 2 of my cherished friends and that was meaningful , precious and a lot of fun.
In today`s writing, the intention is to check in with you all as to how you use the following in your day to day practice
Mindfulness : What do you do everyday as mindful practice …. Do you walk , do you stop and smell the roses, do you listen more for the birds or for a note or a lyric that tugs at you…
These are ways that I include mindfulness -I walk on the beach, I take in the texture of the pebbles and stones and I take note on the different hues that nature has on offer- if you live with children , introduce them to mindfulness …nice and early …take in the colours, tastes, textures…..
Emotional Regulation: What do you to strengthen your practice on inviting the calm- Do you engage in breathwork, have you considered exercise and what are the activities that give you a sense of rhythm and comfort
These are ways that I include emotional regulation in my day to day living – exercise, breathwork, practicing my music and indulging in any creative work –
Note – once again model ways of bringing in calm to your young ones too– swimming and excercise great form of emotinal regulation
Distress Tolerance: What are ways that you learn to embrace acceptance of challenges , feel more brave , more calm and more in the now. During the course of our lives, we are all likely to experience sone form of hardships ad the memories of the [painful experiences cause us to become reactive, cower low or feel incredibly uncomfortable and unsafe. The feeling of discomfort is a trigger and it can easily lead us to make a poor choice that is fear based.
We can teach ourselves to accept that we are a sum of all of the positive and the negative –
we can learn to rephase that the memory of the negative experiences can go on to teach and educate us and to make us more wise
This can be done when we take little steps every day to invite the calm, count the positives, begin to take count of the things that make you smile and do more of thus each day and every day
These are some of the ways I engage or recommend practicing Distress tolerance – write everyday, be grateful, be kind to yourself, be constructive creative smile more and work on connecting to people who lift you up– any creative pursuit can be a superb avenue for distress tolerance – Michelle Obama refers to the gift of absorption in her beautifully crafted Light we carry
Interpersonal Effectiveness: The best lessons on wholesome living comes when we learning to connect to ourselves, know who we are and then find ways of making meaningful connections with family, friends and the extended community. This is about knowing who we are, the values that we hold close, what we aspire for and love, what we do not love and how we want to connect with our loved ones and what are ways we can connect and give back to the community
As I grow well into my fifth decade of living, I am more mindful of how I live, the values I cherish and put into practice, the words I speak, the company I keep-the more we do this the better we are able to serve and strengthen the core of who we are fabric of our individual selves and the communities we serve….
Working on doing more of the things we love with people who lift you up ….
“Joy can only be real if people look upon their life as a service and have a definite object in life outside themselves and their personal happiness.” – Leo Tolstoy
Greetings on the last day of 2022- hope it has been a year that saw each of you through the happy and not so happy times. This year has been good one for me, despite having lost a much-loved aunt too soon. For me I also embraced with goodness and gratitude, that I was able to fly down to India to be with my family and my friends. This year 2022 marked the beginning of the post pandemic era- allowed for travel, connections and reunions.
As I finished my walk with my dearly beloved Olive at the most beautiful and lush green Cornwall Park, I made a note to myself to check in with you all. The topic that I write today is about making peace in letting go of connections that no longer serve a purpose. This issue is something that we all encounter at some point in our lives.
How do we know when relationships no longer serve a purpose
So, you might query, how do we know when relationships no longer serve a purpose – We know that by how we tend to feel in the company of some ; connections are meant to lift us up and make us feel lighter and not the other way around. Here are some guidelines or cues that you might instinctively feel
Relationship always seem to be one sided
There is no longer a rapport that you once shared
You tend to have some comments thrown your way that make you feel at a loss
An element of control – where your movements or activities are questioned
You feel judged
You no longer feel heard or understood
There`s no evidence of lightness in your connection
Everything always seems arduous
In my journey thus far, the most valuable learning that I am keen to share is that the core function of the brain is relational– so…. The quality of our personal wellbeing and social life is much much much dependent on the company we keep and the connections we make.
Some brainfacts: I have referred to this in my previous blogs the brain is connected to the head – it helps us think, the brain is connected to our heart (so its vital that we keep up with company that delights us and warms our spirit). The brain s also connected to our gut- so if you are in company of some that get your feelings to go down south then the impact of those emotions, also hit the gut. So be mindful and take personal responsibility in setting boundaries and / or letting go.
Letting go of some connections can be daunting – there is also a certain sense of fear and ambiguity in setting those boundaries or making a decision to completely let go , for – many a times these are folks who might have known you for an incredibly long time . And that can be quite an inhibiting factor or a barrier
But please do believe that it can be done and the reward is most gratifying🍀😊🌟🌟☀️
As you go through the process
Be patient with yourself
Check in with your inner value system
Learn to tell yourself that the intention here is to
Honour the self, the values that you cherish and to
Walk towards the vision that each of us have , for the
The ultimate need is to give, to connect and to serve
Each of us can do this – in little ways or large ways
So, it is perfectly okay to
Let go of what no longer aligns with your vision and allows you to serve with purpose…
Here`s to new beginnings –that lifts your wairua , warms your heart , lightens your gait
Kia Ora dear readers as we begin to feel the breath of the sinner month -…. although , for the past week the sun seems to have taken an indecisive stance 😳☀️😊 ….
Much of the work that I do is about helping clients to think better , feel better and do better which is not always easy . Emotions play a huge role in how we think – how we feel and what we do …
So what does one do when feelings and emotions take over abd when things feel incredibly tough and the journey becomes arduous .….
Here is the step by step process
Name the feeling
Acknowledge the feeling – lean into it
Use self talk to say “ I am feeling sad or I am feeling exhausted or it can also be I am feeling angry
Lean into the feeling as you use self talk
Then stay with that feeling
Be incredibly gentle and patient with yourself
Give yourself a time limit to stay with that sadness – it can be 5 min or 20 min ….
However then remind yourself that it is okay to feel that way I do – I am now going to do the next best thing for myself and then choose to do something kind or creative or constructive and you will notice that the feelings will begin to wane and you will make the shift to a happier place
Being kind to yourself can look like choosing to make yourself a hot drink or a warm meal or be in the midst of something or someone that fills you will kindness and compassion 🥗🍀👯
Being creative looks like making a meal or drawing a picture or writing a kind note to yourself 🖌️🖼️
Being constructive looks like talking to a friend – making a list of your goals or taking a walk or reading a book 📚
Wishing you all a wonderful Tuesday – here’s to more kindness , more creativity and steps towards constructive living ☘️🌟
Reach 4 Art 